throwing baby in my face

so, i just joined facebook. it is kind of like a three part reunion for me. i have friends from here, friends from oregon, and people i knew from high school. i have noticed that most of the people from the high school group have kids or are married, or both. i still think that i'm too young for that stuff.
on sunday night, my mother and i were on the phone and she had this funny tone about her. she asked me "is there any news you have? is there something you want to tell me?" i asked her to be more specific. then she said "like a baby. are you pregnant?"
first: WHY THE FUCK WOULD I LET MYSELF GET PREGNANT RIGHT NOW! which is what i kept to myself. do i want kids, um...yes and no. now? no. i just moved back home, i'm trying to establish something career wise, and now i'm getting baby thrown in my face.
second: what prompted her to ask this?
why isn't my mother asking my brother, who is 10 years my senior, if he is going to have a baby? why is it that as soon as i turned 28, i start getting the baby pressure?
i am still in awe of the fact that there are people out there who still pressure young women into having children. i know i'm getting upset about an old liberal-feminist issue, but SHEESH, c'mon, my ovaries are not my only asset. i think i'm good for more than making babies.

guilt

isn't it interesting how we are socialized to be loyal to our employers? today i dropped off 3 applications to a great organization. these jobs are all a step up for me. one if them pays $30 less per week, but i would also be working 10 fewer hours per week. these positions are also in my field. as soon as i began updating my resume, i started to feel guilty about applying. though i want more money and health insurance, i also like the company i currently work for. there isn't anything that is particularly great about it, but i like it.
on monday, i went into my boss's office to tell her that i saw the job posting at this other agency. i told her about the pay and the benefits. instead of making me feel guilty or ashamed, she encouraged me to apply, but also ensured that i would still be in line for my promotion in a couple of months if i am still with the company.
i have a guilty conscience. i feel horrible at the prospect of leaving this company without knowing that i have an adequate replacement. there is also the familial aspect of this company. i am compelled to do a good job because the quality of someone's life is my responsibility. i treat them better than i treat myself. which is the point, i suppose.
i hope i get this other job.
i also feel guilty for wanting to leave the people i take care of.

sarah palin pisses me off

while i think it is horrible for people to criticize her for being a mother and running for VP, i also think she is a horrible person. she is W Bush in glasses and a skirt suit, which is pretty smart of the republicans to do. i heard that initially McCain wanted Lieberman to be his running mate, but since McCain isn't a republican favorite, he was urged to nominate a person who is a nature hating, gun toting, contrived christian yahoo. why? because the American public was dumb enough to elect that kind of person 2 terms in a row.
here is what i want:
a group of leaders who will make it possible for me to live without fear of getting very sick
a group of leaders who will make it possible for people to live on a single income instead of feeling pressured to get married
a group of leaders who don't think that welfare is reformed by encouraging women to get married and depend on men for stability
a group of leaders who believe that abstinence only sex ed is more harm than good....
the list goes on. i'm just a little drunk and pissed off.

kitty 2

it looks like we will be adopting a cat. her name is lulu and she is black and white. i am allergic to cats, but i'm allergic to everything, so we thought, what the heck. she will have the run of the house, with the exception of our bedroom. this rule will probably last an hour. we were third in line, but the first two people who responded to the ad didn't follow through. i have been talking with her current owner for a couple of weeks now and he seems to like the fact that i replied to his emails. does anyone have advice on how to care for a great big pussy...(cat)?

free shit

lately, i have been into free-cycling. i am a member of a group called latah free exchange. instead of throwing things away or buying new crap, this group offers a way to unload without filling up a landfill.
here are the rules:
within a year, in order to remain a memeber you must offer and take.
you must offer more than you take, and
you must post an offer before you take or post a wanted.

so far i have offered two items, i posted one wanted, and i've replied to two offers. a friend of mine was moving and was downizing her place by 1/3. she had a bunch of stuff to give to goodwill, so we took a load to goodwill for her, took some stuff for ourselves (half of her liquor cabinet, some sweaters, and a bed frame), and posted some on the free exchange. i have successfully gotten rid of her gingerbread house mold and some jelly jars. what did i get?

the free exchange is very fast paced. you must respond quickly to get what you want. i was first in line for this very cool, bubble gum pink dresser with scooby doo stickers on it. we recently gave away a dress that we bought for $4 at a yard sale. i sanded, repaired, and painted it. but a friend of our just moved back to town, so we gave him ours. though we needed it, he needed it more. so we decided to go find another fixer-uper at another yard sale. two days later, pinky the dresser was offered on the free exchange and i was the frist to respond. it needs a little work, but is a perfectly good dresser as is. we are currently in line for a cat. the first person passed, the second person is thinking, and we are the next in line.
free-cycle accomplishes several things:
1. i get free shit
2. things don't go to landfills
3. i get projects (i live for redoing furniture)

the one down side to the group is that there are people who reply because they might want it and then don't do it. like in the case of the cat. i really want her. apparently she looks just like my partner's childhood cat, hamburger, and she also looks a lot like my friend Michael's cat Marzipan, but fatter.

when i joined the group, i got really excited for doing thing second hand, but i realized that i didn't pay for most of my things (furniture wise). here is a list of things that i bought.
-shelf for tv/stereo (year 2000)
-coffee table from ikea (2008)
-full sized bed (2004)

here is some of what i have snagged for free.
-dresser (2008)
-bedframe (2008, total cost after repair and paint $15)
-car, 1993 plymouth laser in working condition, only needed an oil change (2008)
-bedside table (2008, was built by my great grandmother's brother in the 1890s)
-shelves (2007, grandma moved to a retirement village)
-couch (2007)
- tv (2007)
-dvd player (2005)
- laptop (graduation gift 2005)
-computer (2003/2004)
-chair (2002, college friend didn't have room for it in his place)
-table (2000, found it in my mom's barn)
-dresser (1997, it was my dad's baby dresser)
-love seat (1995, my aunt's from when she was in college, then mom's, then mine)

mmm....

i am in the middle of making some wicked awesome tofu. it is a basic garlic pepper tofu, but i did it without any help or recipe. it isn't super hot, but it has a nice gradual warming to it. the end product will be a little spicier.
here is what i did...
chop up a shit-ton of garlic.
put some oil (i used extra virgin because i'm out of canola)
heat it up real good
add cubes of tofu (don't forget to press the water out first)
cover the tofu with black pepper, then red pepper flakes, then dark mushroom soy sauce and mirin
fry the crap out of it.
then set it aside.
in another pan, put more garlic in there, heat it up with more oil.
then begin to fry the mushrooms, add green onion, asparagus and more pepper and sauces, i think i'll add a pinch of sugar because i am out of plum sauce.
serve it over brown rice. if you want, put some cock sauce on the side, it should be good.
i'm not done with it, but I'll comment on the outcome.

kitty

so, there is this cat in our apartment right now. i knocked on a couple of doors with no answer and it seems to think that our porch is home. i am allergic to cats. i can already feel my throat get scratchy, my eyes are a little watery, and my nose is a little runny. that said, this thing is so freakin' cute. it is a dirty white color (the cat is not dirty) it has a grey face and grey tail, and big bright blue eyes. it is now perched on our couch by the window. we know it has a home, because it is so friendly. it heard me grab a bowl for water and it instantly knew that bowls were full of yummy things. the down side to this cat is that it has no collar, which means that we have no way to tell where the owner is. i am already selfishly wanting to adopt this cute creature. allergies be damned!
i named it "cat"

hair

i was at work today, which is always a kick in the pants (or a pain in the ass) and one of the people i am a caregiver for whispered something to me. she leaned in and said "my other staff member doesn't shave her legs." i leaned closer to her and said "neither do i."
what is so interesting about the population i work with is that there is so much emphasis on "passing" and/or living "normal lives." at the same time, it is also a lesson for "normal" people on how to acknowledge that there are differently-abled people in their community...back to assimilation...
so, this job is all about disciplinary practices and reproductive labor; teaching and re-teaching all of those things we do every day to maintain our lives. it is also very similar to being a stay at home parent. but what is different is that the parent changes all the time and what is "normal" to one parent is totally "abnormal" to another. the person i work with has been socialized to believe that women shave their legs, but now she has two staff members who don't and is slightly confused by this.
though i shouldn't be, i am always shocked at how a woman who doesn't take part in certain "grooming" practices are always thought of to be taboo. even in a hippie town like Moscow.

job

last summer i was a caregiver and a job coach for people with developmental different Abilities. it was a blast and i don't think i have ever cried when i left a job the way i cried after my last day last summer. i cried all the way home, which was about a mile (walking) from my house.
yesterday, my partner and i were at the mall (we did a walk through for the AC) and we ran into a former coworker of mine along with a couple of the participants. as soon as I saw them, my heart lurched a little and i remembered all the good times i had working there. so, today i went to the agency i worked for last summer because i saw that they were looking for help. i thought that i would just fall into a part-time caregiver position that would keep me afloat until i found a better paying, more adult job. i was surprised at what happened in the total of 10 minutes i was there.
i walked up to the door and the owner was standing outside. we spent a couple of minutes catching up and i mentioned that i saw that they were looking for help and said that i would love to work there if they wanted me back. she then started asking me some questions and was discussing this house manager position they had open. WOW! told her that i hadn't seen the ad for that, that i was looking to be a caregiver again. so, i go in looking to do some part-time work and i come out as one of their new house managers. i go in tomorrow morning for details, etc. she eventually wants to move me into a higher position (which would be rad!!!).
though this job isn't the highest paying and it doesn't provide benefits, it is something that i want to do AND is using my powers for good instead of evil.
the benefits of this job:
1. a livable, but modest wage (y'all don't need much up here).
2. working with and advocating for a marginalized group of people
3. a fantastic work environment
4. doing a job that will make me feel like i'm making a difference in my community

change of name

i have changed my name. though i do identify as a radical feminist, my blog was not entirely devoted to the subject. you might have a coupla questions for me. here are some preemptive questions and answers...

will you still blog about feminism?
-yes
will you still hate marriage?
-yes
are you planning on shaving your body hair?
-no
do you still hate mainstream political parties?
-uh-huh
will you promise us that you won't become a liberal feminist
-sure thing!

i didn't just want to change the name of the blog because it wasn't singularly focused on radical feminism, but i wanted to present a more realistic representation of what i like to spout off about. (and i really wanted to discuss food...a lot)

eating the ass end of a carrot

i'm making dinner right now and, as always, am snacking on the raw vegetables as i cut them and throw them in the pan. as i was shaving the carrots, i would eat the slices that were a little too thick. i, not once, but twice almost stuck my own eye with the pairing knife. am i smart or what?
i am so impressed that my adventures in the kitchen haven't yet resulted in a trip to the ER. i am, possibly, the most ungraceful being who ever was. i trip, hobble, and often stab myself.
this is a toast to my 27 years of survival (i have my wine in hand, as per usual), may i have another 27 years without a kitchen related visit to the ER.

happiness

i have been home for not quite three days. i left corvallis on saturday at 6:30pm and arrived in moscow eight hours later...yes, at 2:30 in the morning (it is amazing what a few cigarettes, a diet pepsi, and a whole lotta 70s and 80s pop can do to keep me awake).
i have not quite had the time to unpack or see friends and i began my new job right away (which is awesome!). though i haven't had the opportunity to connect with people, i have fallen in love with moscow all over again. today, my friend afra called me for a chat and to plan getting together. she immediately commented on how happy i sounded. i didn't realize that, while in oregon, i developed a tone of stress, sleep deprivation, and overall general irritation. she could tell i was home, not because i told her, but because i wasn't full of doom and gloom.
later this afternoon, i was walking home from the U of I campus (about 2 miles) and was stopped by a stranger who also commented on my beauty and happiness. she said that it was refreshing to see someone enjoying life.
it is amazing what a little sunshine, warm weather, and a cool breeze will do to the spirit.

on getting married, or, to be more correct, not married

when my sister got married for the second time, i announced to my family that my partner and i would not get married, and that not being married was something that we were going to be doing together for the rest of our lives (yes, i do realize that i'm borrowing from four weddings and a funeral).
marriage is always on my mind. why? probably because i was socialized to desire marriage and was raised to believe that my greatest achievement would be signing a contract that would make me chattel. my mother believes that her worth is directly related to men finding her sexually desirable. she raised her daughters the same way. not many young women are raised to believe that putting out will get you love. and i hope that not very many women have mothers who say things like "i bet if you get pregnant, he'll marry you!" oh boy, was that an exciting day. the sad thing is, that wasn't the worst thing that i have heard come out of my mother's mouth.
so, marriage..
sometimes i feel like i am in a bind. this bind isn't because i desire a piece of paper that inserts the state into my relationship, but is instead created by what this paper means to the people around me. my family isn't happy about my choice and the patriarch of my family believes that we need to grow up and get married. i think my grandfather may have said something to the effect of "man up" to my partner, but i wasn't in the room, so i'm not sure what he said exactly. i have been thinking about how to get around this issue.
my first solution is to have a ceremony without involving the state. this is something that i am very interested in because, well, i think it would be really fun to be the "bride" who does keg stands. that, and i want to get some nicer kitchen things (but that is what birthdays are for, right?).
the next solution is to lie and say that i agreed to become chattel. this flaw in this solution is, my mother will want to throw the party, and it will suck.
my third solution is pretty simple. don't do it, and don't lie about not doing it, which is what we've been doing for almost 5 years.
so back to the bind, which really isn't much of a bind. the real heart of the issue is how married friends and family treat me for not wanting marriage. it is as though i committed the worst crime against heterosexual femininity. how dare i have the nerve to assert that i am happy with a relationship that doesn't end in marriage.
i use the word end very carefully here. we are taught as young girls that marriage happens at the end of the story. what is so curious about this notion is that people really believe in this. women grow up believing that you grow up, you graduate (either high school or college, depending on socioeconomic status), and then you get married and have a family. the family is formed automatically when the marriage certificate is signed. and this becomes the whatever ever after for heterosexual women.
the degradation of marriage may not be because of radical politics and sexual anarchists, but instead because it has been constructed as the happy ending.
my mother has had two happy endings. my sister is on her second, and my father has helped five women find their happy endings.
when i say that i'm not getting married, most women 1) act as though i have betrayed them and 2) believe that i am throwing away my happy ending (or endings).
my question is: what do we need to do, as feminists, to combat the idea that the desire to marry is innate? what is a practical solution to the problem of marriage?
my desire to have a ceremony could be seen as problematic because it is a symbol of my happy ending. is there any real way to navigate this bridal space while also being able to, quite literally, have my (wedding) cake (or pie) and eat it too?

love

i love adrienne rich! to be continued...

on teaching women studies

i am in love with my intro students right now. they speak up in class, they bring up issues that i can't, and they are super duper wonderful in general. i don't care if they like me or not and i'm not too concerned about what kind of feminist they think i am. i do care about how they engage with the material and i think they're getting it.
i love teaching about feminism. today i got to talk about radical feminism and the miss america protests in 1968 and 1969. this was the first group of student that didn't defend the pageant. i loved listening to their contributions.
i also loved that i got to talk about Radical Women and what they do as an organization. i'm afraid that my students will shut down if thy know my personal politics, so i keep that fairly under wraps and i think i have them convinced that i'm catholic. i think it is pretty darn funny...you know...since i am an atheist. anyway...so, Radical Women is a great organization and is affiliated with the Freedom Socialist Party. you should check them out @ www.radicalwomen.org
they have some great events coming up in both seattle and portland.
back to my students...
whenever i get in front of an intro class, i feel like i'm going to run into a whole lotta resistance, but that isn't really happening so far. usually the really resistant students are pretty vocal about it, but these folks aren't doing that.
what i really love is that i feel good when i come out of that classroom and i always have a line of students who want to talk with me. they have me a little enchanted right now.

life is good

though it is simple, this video reminds me of how awesome life can be...

spring break?

i woke up this morning and saw about three inches of snow on the ground. oh well, at least it is sunny out.

love actually

the topic of love has come up a lot in the past couple of weeks. i love the idea of love. i think what people think of as love is the idea of passionate and romantic love. a love where from across a room you catch each other's eyes and in an instant you know, right?
in reality, this love is rare and, in my opinion, isn't really love. the idea of romantic love is sold to us. love is not love, but is a consumer good. when we buy this love, we expect it to happen in our lives. when our investment falls short, we don't blame the product, we blame ourselves. don't get me wrong, i am aware that i consume love in copious amounts. my favorite love investment is "Pride and Prejudice". i watch this movie (the BBC series) constantly. i watch the characters and listen to the language and feel all a twitter with love. after the movie is over and i put the dvd back into the box and place it on the shelf, i feel empty. why?
i have a great partner who loves me on such a more important level. i have a good job, which is amazing and life changing. i have friends who work together in order to support each other. we build community through thought, art, food, and even financial support. this is love.
love is making someone a meal who is feeling desperate. love is dedicating yourself to social justice instead of taking a job that offers more financial security. love is doing the right thing and not looking for something in return.
love can also be romantic, but romance isn't something that can be sustained for long, because romance isn't nurturing or kind, romance is performance.
we feel bad when we don't have consumer love. it is designed that way. if we felt the love that was being sold, then the market would dry up. we wouldn't need to buy romantic love if we could create it ourselves.
so here is a poem to love...

Like you (Como tu)
~Roque Dalton

Like you I
love love, life, the sweet smell
of things, the sky-blue
landscape of January days.

And my blood boils up
and I laugh through eyes
that have known the buds of tears.
I believe the world is beautiful
and that poetry, like bread, is for everyone.

And that my veins don’t end in me
but in the unanimous blood
of those who struggle for life,
love,
little things,
landscape and bread,
the poetry of everyone.

a bullet from a small gun is better than a bullet from a large gun

at this very moment my partner and i are discussing oil, the kind you eat.
i just finished having a late breakfast with a boy (space) friend. we both had homefries. this lead my partner and i to have a conversation about the roasted potatoes we make and the unhealthy amounts of olive oil we use when we make them. i said that olive oil isn't that bad for you. robert replied "compared to beef fat, no it isn't. and a bullet from a small gun hurts less than a bullet from a large one."

radical

so, isn't funny that one doesn't have to do much in order to be considered radical. think about it...100 years ago there was a group of women who outraged people because they had a suffrage parade. these women had the nerve to walk together down the street, hold banners, and sit on floats. the desire for the right to vote was such a radical idea that it almost didn't happen...
so, here is to the radical ideas of today, may they be totally rational tomorrow. Is this really, actually, truly, honestly, seriously that radical:
universal health care
free education
paid parental leave
the right to make choices about your own reproductive health
having a relationship with the consenting adult of your choice

doin' it

The number one thing on my list to do is done and the rest will soon follow. The worst part about grad school is thinking about all of the things you need to do that you haven't done. I'm going to stop doing that. Instead I'm going to just do things that need doing and eventually they'll get done.

crap to do

okay, my pity party is over. i had an overwhelming sense of despair coupled with feeling isolated. i'm better now. in order to not feel so bad, i'm going to make a list of things i need to do in order to get my shit done.
Crap to do:
1. finish my final project for the class i'm taking (due friday)
2. rewrite my theories section of my thesis
3. rewrite/write a good lit review
4. make sure my IRB is done by sunday
5. write my exam (for thursday)
6. clean my apt (do wednesday)
7. get together with co-teacher and get the syllabus done
8. pack for my thursday flight (not tomorrow, next thursday).
9. laundry,
10. grocery shop for the next 8 days. i came home last night and realized that i only had a frozen block of tofu, an onion, bread, and some veggies that were past their prime... what did i eat? i had two pieces of toast and two glasses of wine and got to work.

vegetarians do it better

well, that may not be true, but they usually...um...well, yeah.
i love being a strict vegetarian/lazy vegan. i love making my house smell like garlic and cumin, and baking with cocoa powder and egg replacer. so, what does this have to do with my feminist politics? there is a concept called vegetarian feminism. am i a vegetarian feminist? kinda. i was never a big meat eater. i wasn't into pork, beef hurt my tummy, and i ate my pet lamb when i was a child. what i love about vegetarianism is that it is about making the world a better place. how cool is that!! i know that my dietary choices, for the most part, tread lightly on the earth. i try to eat locally grown food and, in the summer, we eat a lot of produce from our garden or the gardens of friends.
i hate, hate, hate, hate, hate when people chide my diet. i don't care if you eat meat and dairy, i could care less if you could care less about my choices. i do take offense when people say that they eat good food and i don't. i am offended when people refuse to eat the good foods i make and then trash talk it. one such person who chides the vegetarian is Isabella Allende. in her book on aphrodisiacs, she more than implies that vegetarians have soft, sensitive, hearts. at one point in her book she ignorantly and arrogantly argues that vegetarians have are missing out and have a weakly body and pale skin. how f'ing blind is that! if you think vegetarians are missing out, you are misinformed. do i miss dairy? sometimes, but i am able to live without it and have the ability to create dairy free works of yummy goodness. if i didn't love being a vegetarian, then i wouldn't be one.

Right Wing Eye

years ago, i watched an amazingly awesome video made by planned parenthood. though the march is over, i thought i would share the promotional video with you. i think the message is important and still relevant. the stereotypes of feminists, though some are true, do not compare to the words that have come out of the mouths and hearts of the right wing. please watch the video and tell me what you think...

http://websrvr40nj.audiovideoweb.com/avwebdsnjwebsrvr4487/rightwingeye/index.html

LGBT Studies

So, this year a friend of mine and I decided to create a syllabus. By some awesome twist of fate, it was approved. This means that in the Spring 2008 term, we will be teaching a queer studies course. If you are an OSU student you can take WS 399: Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Studies. Here is the info...

Women Studies 399: Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Studies

M&W 10:00-11:20

Course description:
This course will examine the politics of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Trans, Queer, Questioning, and Intersex (LGBTQQI) culture(s) and identities in Western society, including the historical, sociological, cultural, psychological, political, literary, artistic, and philosophical foundations and implications of LGBTQQI studies. Through multiple theoretical perspectives, we will investigate and explore the intersections of race, class, age, and gender in LGBTQQI identities and daily lives. Topics to be covered include the historical development of homosexuality; the process of coming out; relationships of sexuality with gender; LGBTQQI literature, art, and film; the intersections of sexuality with race, class, and ability; the heritage of Western religions; queer and gay politics and their relationship with the state; and modern gay and queer social and political movements.

Kind of a Fascist

My Partner Calls Me Fascist

Months ago, I was having an early morning chat with my partner. We were discussing what we would like to see happen in the economy and how we would propose to "fix" it. As our conversation evolved, my partner said, "Heather, you're kind of a fascist." When he first said this, I was kind of shocked and a little offended. But as I thought about it, I might have some fascist leanings.
Since the initial conversation, I have embraced the term. I'm not saying that fascism is necessarily a good thing, but can be good depending on the intentions of the leader.
My fascism is full of warm and fuzzies.